“No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs” (Goddard, 2009, p. 106).  I love that quote.  It seems that we live in a culture where the media and culture teaches us that our spouse should be able to magically fulfill every need, want, and wish we have.  It creates this unrealistic expectation that our spouse will be able to read our mind and anticipate everything.  Marriage is hard work and requires sacrifice and compassion.  We need to stop asking how we can get our spouse to meet our needs, but instead look at how we can meet our spouse’s needs.  “Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories.  They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time” (Goddard, 2009, p. 109).  Slowly, but surely, one brick at a time!

This doesn’t mean that every relationship doesn’t have their fights.  We all do!  My youth leader when I was a teenager used to say, if you think that a couple doesn’t have problems it is only because you don’t know them well enough.

So, how do we do it.  Dr. Gottman gives several keys to managing conflict.  First, we need to recognize that negative emotions are important because they help you know that something needs to be addressed.  Second, we need to recognize that no one is right.  Third, regardless of the argument we still love and accept the other person even if their perspective or opinion is different than ours.  Last, we need to focus on our fondness and admiration of each other (Gottman, 1999, pp. 157-158).  Once we have these keys firmly in place, we are ready to solve our problems.  Here is how Dr. Gottman suggests we do it:

1. Use a soft start up. Focus on using “I” statements like I feel, I need, etc.  Do not condemn or accuse.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. Keep things calm and loving by making repair attempts.  Recognize when your spouse is trying to relieve the tension.
3. Keep calm. If things get heated, then take a break and come back to it after you have calmed down.
4. Find a middle ground.  That means that both people have to be willing to sacrifice in order to make things work.
5. Process grievances so that there are no remaining hard feelings (Gottman, 1999, p. 161).

These steps will help you to work through problems and find solutions.  It isn’t easy, but working through things will allow you to continue to add bricks to your eternal relationship.  One at a time!

Works Cited

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2015 ed.). New York: Harmony Books.