Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.”

Through this scripture, God is reminding us of the way our marriage relationships need to work.  When you get married, the marriage relationship takes the priority over your family of origin relationships.  It is important the you and your spouse work on building your own future together and turn to each other when faced with challenges.  Both spouses need to set clear and firm boundaries with their families that both spouses agree to.  There are so many marriages that suffer because of meddling in-laws or spouses that are unable to separate themselves from their family.  It adds unneeded stress on the marriage.

I am blessed to have amazing parents who have shown me what it means to be one flesh.  I have seen them work together and cleave to each other.  They have made their own family a priority.  My parents have welcomed my husband into the family with open arms, but have also given us distance to allow us to build a strong foundation for our family.  When we were first married, we lived 2 hours away which put some distance between us and our families.  This allowed us to define our marriage in the way we wanted and to learn and grow from our own mistakes.  We learned to quickly put up boundaries regarding holidays, family visits, and expectations.  I remember early in our marriage, we received a phone call from my husband’s mother letting us know that they had just driven into town and wanted to visit.  We had received no prior warning that they were coming.  My husband was great about putting our family first.  He let them know that he was on his way to class at the university which started in 30 minutes and that I had just finished working a 12-hour night shift at the hospital and was heading to bed.  He told them that we loved them and wanted to see them, but that we would need a little more prior notice so that we could make sure that there were no conflicts.  This allowed us to let them know that we loved them, but that we couldn’t drop everything to accommodate them.  Thankfully they lived only 2 hours away, so there were plenty of opportunities to get together.  It is important to build strong relationships with your in-laws especially once you have children, but not at the sacrifice of your own marriage relationship.

“And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him….

“And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

“And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man….

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2: 18, 21-22, 24)

From the beginning, God intended for man and woman to work together.  They are to strive to be one.  This means working together toward common goals, making decisions together, and putting your relationship above those of your family of origin.  While we certainly need advice from our parents, we must stand united with our spouse.

“Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between a husband and a wife.  Many marital problems have as their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in the relationship….Thus, research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership” (Miller, 2008).

I was blessed early in our marriage to read several articles about family councils.  My husband and I started having family councils where we would set family goals and individual goals.  We would discuss our budget and finances.  We would talk about any issues that were happening.  My children helped to set our family rules and what the consequences would be.  We divided up chores and talked about allowance.  If there was ever a change that needed to be made or a concern that someone wanted to bring up, we would talk about it once a month at family council and allow everyone to have a voice before we all decided on a solution together.  It has been a tremendous blessing in our family.  My children feel that they are a part of the decisions and what happens.  It has helped my husband and I to stand more united.  There is so much truth in the quote above and marriage needing to be an equal partnership and a sharing of power.  As President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “…the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side.  They are coequals” (Miller, 2008).  May we each learn to walk beside our spouses in greater unity and love.

Works Cited

Miller, R. B. (2008, March 28). Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships is Families. BYU Conference on Family Life. Provo: Brigham Young University.

Sex can be a beautiful thing when used appropriately in the right time, in the right place, and with the right person.  The world would have you believe that sex is driven by passion that cannot be restrained or contained.  When the urges happen, you must act on them regardless of who with or where you are.  The media portrays sex with no consequences and with a complete disregard to marriage vows.  It seems that the world is obsessed with sex.  It is in the news, movies, music, advertising, grocery aisle, books, and so much more.  The sex that is being portrayed is not based on reality.  It gives a couple unrealistic expectations about what sex should be like.  It can leave a couple feeling unsatisfied in their marriage and with their partner.

These feelings can lead a couple to looking for sexual fulfillment elsewhere.  It can be in friendships, affairs, pornography, and many other places.  This puts a couple at risk for infidelity and breaking sacred marriage covenants.  Dr. Goddard shared the following, “As my wise colleague James Marshall observes, ‘The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water.’  If we tend our own little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding” (Goddard, 2009, p. 95).

So, what can we do to safeguard our marriages?  Dr. Goddard gives several suggestions (Goddard, 2009, p. 94):

• Do not look at another person with lust.
• Do not spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.
• Do not be flirty. The only person you should be sharing your affections with is your spouse.
• Do not dwell or daydream of anyone but your spouse.
• If you make excuses for the relationship, you may be addicted and need to get help.
• Have weekly dates with your spouse.
• Focus on your spiritual efforts such as prayer, service, scripture study, and love of your family.
• Don’t be alone with them.
• Avoid pornography.
• Build trust with your spouse.

By following these suggestions, we can safeguard our marriages from the danger of infidelity.  We can build our marriages up and make them strongholds that will stand as a beacon to others.

On my living room wall I have the scripture,

These verses of scripture serve as a reminder to me and my family of how we want to treat each other.  It reminds us of the kind of love we want to have in our home.  It guides our interactions with each other.  In those moments of contention or frustration, it reminds us that there is a better way.

Dr. Gottman taught that the importance of understanding personal hopes and dreams when you are in gridlock, or arguing in circles.  He says, “Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest most personal hopes and dreams is key to saving and enriching your marriage” (Gottman, 1999, p. 253).  Many arguments and misunderstandings are because we don’t understand where the other person is coming from.  It helps to understand what their perspective is and what they see the future being.  Anytime you take two very different people from different family environments, there is bound to be some conflict.

Dr. Goddard says, “It is my view that most of us have misunderstood the purpose of marriage. It is not a picnic with friends. It is more like a college education with occasional joys, lots of growth, and abundant homework” (Goddard, 2009, p. 119).  That is so true!  Marriage is a lot of work and effort.  However, as we work to have more charity in our lives, we will be kinder and gentler with ourselves and with our spouse.  ”And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity” (1 Corinthians 13:13).

“No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs” (Goddard, 2009, p. 106).  I love that quote.  It seems that we live in a culture where the media and culture teaches us that our spouse should be able to magically fulfill every need, want, and wish we have.  It creates this unrealistic expectation that our spouse will be able to read our mind and anticipate everything.  Marriage is hard work and requires sacrifice and compassion.  We need to stop asking how we can get our spouse to meet our needs, but instead look at how we can meet our spouse’s needs.  “Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls as an offering to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories.  They are building an eternal relationship one brick at a time” (Goddard, 2009, p. 109).  Slowly, but surely, one brick at a time!

This doesn’t mean that every relationship doesn’t have their fights.  We all do!  My youth leader when I was a teenager used to say, if you think that a couple doesn’t have problems it is only because you don’t know them well enough.

So, how do we do it.  Dr. Gottman gives several keys to managing conflict.  First, we need to recognize that negative emotions are important because they help you know that something needs to be addressed.  Second, we need to recognize that no one is right.  Third, regardless of the argument we still love and accept the other person even if their perspective or opinion is different than ours.  Last, we need to focus on our fondness and admiration of each other (Gottman, 1999, pp. 157-158).  Once we have these keys firmly in place, we are ready to solve our problems.  Here is how Dr. Gottman suggests we do it:

1. Use a soft start up. Focus on using “I” statements like I feel, I need, etc.  Do not condemn or accuse.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. Keep things calm and loving by making repair attempts.  Recognize when your spouse is trying to relieve the tension.
3. Keep calm. If things get heated, then take a break and come back to it after you have calmed down.
4. Find a middle ground.  That means that both people have to be willing to sacrifice in order to make things work.
5. Process grievances so that there are no remaining hard feelings (Gottman, 1999, p. 161).

These steps will help you to work through problems and find solutions.  It isn’t easy, but working through things will allow you to continue to add bricks to your eternal relationship.  One at a time!

Works Cited

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2015 ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

The opposite of humility is pride.  But in order to discuss humility, we must first talk about pride.  The world would define pride as appreciating your talents or abilities.  Such as you take pride in the craft you made or pride in your work.  The world teaches that we should be proud of our accomplishments, but there is a negative side to pride.  The Bible Dictionary defines pride as “A lack or absence of humility or teachableness.  Pride sets people in opposition to each other and to God.  A proud person sets himself above those around him and follows his own will rather than God’s will.”  From this definition, we can see how damaging pride can be in a marriage relationship.  Pride sneaks into our relationships and creates contention, discontentment, and anger.  If not addressed, it can destroy a relationship.  The antidote to pride is humility.

Humility is recognizing our dependence on God and acknowledging that our strength comes from God.  Humility allows us to repent, love others, and forgive.  It helps us to focus less on ourselves and more on others.  “Turning to God in faith and repentance is the cure for pride and self-centeredness” (Goddard, 2009, p. 72).  Humility allows us to look past the mistakes or faults of our spouse and see how much we love them.  Humility helps us to seek God’s assistance when we feel tension, frustration, or anger toward our spouse.  Humility shows us how to let go of the little things and focus on what it truly important.  Humility allows us to draw closer to God so that he can continue to help and bless us in our marriage relationships.

I love this talk by President Gordon B. Hinckley and his advice on how we can humble ourselves.

“Choose to be Humble” by Gordon B. Hinckley

Works Cited

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

“President Ezra Taft Benson taught us that ‘when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives.  Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.  We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.’” (Goddard, 2009, p. 57).

When we seek to strengthen our relationship with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, we will find that the other things in our life become clearer and fall into place.  Our hearts will be softened in humility and we will be more willing to engage with our spouse in love and kindness.  Selfishness is rooted in pride and can destroy a marriage relationship.  “President Gordon B. Hinckley has counseled us about the danger of focus on self in marriage: ‘I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of [the problems that lead to broken homes]. I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion…There is a remedy for all of this.  It is not found in divorce.  It is found in the gospel of the Son of God.  He is was who said, “What therefore God hath jointed together, let not man put asunder (Matthew 19:6)”.’”   (Goddard, 2009, p. 62).

Often it takes just one spouse who is willing to show love, kindness, interest, and compassion.  This requires us to put off the natural man of our anger, frustration, and irritation.  We have to put away our pride and humbly ask God to help us.  Remember that God wants you to succeed in your marriage.  He loves both you and your spouse individually and together.  He knows what needs to change in your heart and in your relationship.

Works Cited

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Dr. Gottman teaches the importance of a couple having a love map or a “part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life” (Gottman, 1999, p. 54).  This is learning all your partner’s likes and dislikes, important events in their history, what their dreams are for the future, what things they are worried about, and so on.  As Dr. Gottman says, “if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?” (Gottman, 1999, p. 54).  When you take the time to build a love map it strengthens your fondness and admiration for each other.

Maintaining that fondness and admiration can be challenging.  Dr. Gottman recommends that you remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities.  He says, “The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt.  If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree” (Gottman, 1999, p. 71).  It is the simple act of looking for the good and focusing on the positive.  Letting your spouse know that you appreciate the little things they are doing that are good.  When we are only looking for the bad, we will completely miss the good.

Goddard compares marriage to having two separate people each bringing half of a manufactured home together.  It is not likely that the two halves will match up, be the same size, or have the same structure.  But he says, “We covenant to bring all to the altar.  The Lord cannot bless what we will not bring.  He asks that we bring our whole souls to Him so that He can transform us.  If we are willing to let Him be the carpenter, He can blend the two half-houses together.  He will help us create new, better family traditions and learn to enjoy the spices that our partners enjoy” (Goddard, 2009, p. 46).  Goddard shares a beautiful quote by Tzvetan Todorov which says, “To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person.  It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one’s efforts, not poorer” (Goddard, 2009, p. 48).

This week has been particularly challenging for me that has required a lot of sacrifice and pushed me to my limits.  My husband lost his job, my daughter had a tumor in her foot that we had to rush surgery on because we were now going to lose our insurance, and my 1 year old baby got a cold and wasn’t sleeping through the night.  During this time is was easy to focus on all that was going wrong and to only see the negative.  Everything felt dark, but as my husband and I went on a date and worked on building our love map, I felt light coming back.  As we talked about our likes and dislikes, our hopes and dreams.  I felt a connection growing stronger between us, because together we are stronger than any trial that may come.  I am grateful for a spouse who loves me and who can help lift me when I am down.

If someone told you they could predict whether or not you would get divorced with a 91% accuracy rate by only watching and listening to you for 15 minutes, would that pique your interest?  This is what Doctor John Gottman says in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” (Gottman, 1999, p. 2).  There are six key indicators that couples exhibit that will predict whether or not they will divorce.  So, what are these indicators?

• The first is a harsh start up when arguing. The argument is immediately started with negativity and accusations.
• The second is what Gottman calls the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  While most marriages see these at some point, the marriage is headed for divorce when these have moved in and are intending to stay.
• The third is flooding or when the negativity of the situation overwhelms one spouse and they shut down.
• The fourth is body language where the heart races and adrenaline increase during an argument. The body is preparing for a fight or flight moment.
• The fifth is failed repair attempts. This is where one person will try to reconnect with the other person and the attempt is rejected.
• The sixth is bad memories. The couple repaints their past in light of the current negativity and forgets the happy good memories.

Gottman’s book focuses on reversing these signs.  His seven principles focus on building a strong friendship which he says is crucial to making a marriage work.  When a couple has a strong emotional connection through their friendship, they are able to work together through the hard times.  I have been married for 18 years and while my husband and I have had our ups and downs, it is our friendship that I treasure the most.  It is the time we spend together doing things we love like playing games, cooking, talking, and walking.

Just as important as building that friendship with your spouse, however, is making God part of the process.  God can help us to change our heart and to feel more love and compassion for our spouse.  “The key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person—to be born again—to be a new creature in Christ.  When we are more godly, fewer things bother us.  And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways”  (Goddard, 2009, p. 15).  We cannot do it alone.  Making these changes can be challenging, but God wants to help us and he loves both people in the relationship.  After all, “marriage is God’s graduate school for advanced training in Christian character” (Goddard, 2009, p. 17).  God will put us through the refiner’s fire and show us what we can become.  I draw great comfort in knowing that I can take my troubles in my marriage to God and He will help me to find solutions or sometime to lessen my pride by softening my heart.  I know that He will be there for me and that He wants me to be happy.  With His help and guidance, I know that my marriage can make it!

Works Cited

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2015 ed.). New York: Harmony Books.

 

We live in a world where marriage is no longer considered sacred.  People marry and divorce all the time.  It is not uncommon for someone to be on their 2^nd or 3^rd marriage.  I met a lady at the DMV who proudly told me that she was on her 5^th marriage.  I was saddened by how proudly and quickly she told me and then laughed it off.  While I agree that there are situations where divorce is necessary, I think that this is a minority of cases instead of the majority.  Our culture has become very individualistic where the focus is on the achievement of the individual at the cost of all else.  It is all about self-fulfillment and instant gratification.  People think that if they are no longer happy or feeling fulfilled, then it must be time to end the marriage.  People need to better understand what it takes to make a marriage work.  Marriage is hard and it requires work, sacrifice, and commitment.

I think what makes me see marriage as sacred is that I believe marriage is a covenant that a man and a woman make with God.  Marriage is not easy and it gives me comfort to know that I can turn to God for help and that he will be there to help both my husband and I succeed.  God wants us to succeed!  It also means that my husband and I put God first in our lives.  We pray together, we pray for each other, we study the scriptures, we go to church, and we strive to keep the commandments.  As we do this, we draw closer to God and closer to each other.

I remember my brother sharing some advice he received from a marriage counselor.  The counselor asked him what percentage of effort he gave at work, he said 100%.  The counselor asked him what percentage he gave to his workout routine, he said 100%.  The counselor asked what percentage he gave to his children, he said 100%.  The counselor then asked why do you think it is okay to only give 50% to your marriage.  Marriage is not 50/50 divided with the other person.  Marriage requires both people to give 100%.  As we give 100% to our marriage, we will have happier and healthier marriages.