If someone told you they could predict whether or not you would get divorced with a 91% accuracy rate by only watching and listening to you for 15 minutes, would that pique your interest?  This is what Doctor John Gottman says in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” (Gottman, 1999, p. 2).  There are six key indicators that couples exhibit that will predict whether or not they will divorce.  So, what are these indicators?

• The first is a harsh start up when arguing. The argument is immediately started with negativity and accusations.
• The second is what Gottman calls the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  While most marriages see these at some point, the marriage is headed for divorce when these have moved in and are intending to stay.
• The third is flooding or when the negativity of the situation overwhelms one spouse and they shut down.
• The fourth is body language where the heart races and adrenaline increase during an argument. The body is preparing for a fight or flight moment.
• The fifth is failed repair attempts. This is where one person will try to reconnect with the other person and the attempt is rejected.
• The sixth is bad memories. The couple repaints their past in light of the current negativity and forgets the happy good memories.

Gottman’s book focuses on reversing these signs.  His seven principles focus on building a strong friendship which he says is crucial to making a marriage work.  When a couple has a strong emotional connection through their friendship, they are able to work together through the hard times.  I have been married for 18 years and while my husband and I have had our ups and downs, it is our friendship that I treasure the most.  It is the time we spend together doing things we love like playing games, cooking, talking, and walking.

Just as important as building that friendship with your spouse, however, is making God part of the process.  God can help us to change our heart and to feel more love and compassion for our spouse.  “The key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person—to be born again—to be a new creature in Christ.  When we are more godly, fewer things bother us.  And when we run into problems, we are more likely to process them in helpful ways”  (Goddard, 2009, p. 15).  We cannot do it alone.  Making these changes can be challenging, but God wants to help us and he loves both people in the relationship.  After all, “marriage is God’s graduate school for advanced training in Christian character” (Goddard, 2009, p. 17).  God will put us through the refiner’s fire and show us what we can become.  I draw great comfort in knowing that I can take my troubles in my marriage to God and He will help me to find solutions or sometime to lessen my pride by softening my heart.  I know that He will be there for me and that He wants me to be happy.  With His help and guidance, I know that my marriage can make it!

Works Cited

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2015 ed.). New York: Harmony Books.